Sunday, May 21, 2006

Eliminate the RIAA!

Spread the word.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Smokey the Bear: Pervert

Why doesn't Smokey wear a shirt and shoes? He certainly isn't welcome in any convenience stores (No Shirt? No Shoes? No Service!). He's a pervert, that's why!

See, he deceives parents by advocating fire safety. Play with matches safely, kids, right? Really, what he thinks is hot, is your child's ass.

Look at the comic cover above... there's a young bear cub (also shirtless) riding on he back of a bucking buffalo. Smokey's eyes are fixated on the cub's ass, and he looks like he's in heaven.

Any idiot can see, Smokey the bear is a child molester. If you see him, kill him. Be careful, he's armed with a shovel.

Free EGM, Computer Gaming World, and OPM, anyone?

If you've got a couple minutes to fill out some forms, you can easily get free subscriptions to Electronic Gaming Monthly, Computer Gaming World, and Official PlayStation Magazine.

Free Electronic Gaming Monthly:

Free Computer Gaming World:

Free Official PlayStation Magazine:

It may take up to 8 weeks for your first issue to arrive, but that's the norm anyway.

I suggest you quickly sign up for a Yahoo or Hotmail account if you don't already have an extra one, so you can give them that e-mail address, so you don't have to worry about spam. Also, be sure to "accidently" typo on your phone number, unless you like annoying phone calls. Hope you enjoy, and be sure to tell your friends.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Wii Will Revolutionize Adult Entertainment

Editor's note: NSFW. 18+! Under 18? Leave now.

Wii will dominate the pornography industry. Imagine playing out all of your wildest sexual fantasies using the Wii-mote and nunchuck unit. If talented developers can get the recipe right, Wii can anticipate sparking a revolution in adult entertainment.

A sexual revolution?

Imagine the Wii-mote controlling a dildo on-screen. You're frantically pumping your arms, drooling all over, while a digital babe wriggles and moans in heated passion. Boy Scouts are camping in your pants. A free hand might be necessary, but for those looking for an extra twist, the nunchuck could become a clit vibrator, or for the truly adventurous, a butt plug.

Let's say you're one of those perverted S&M freaks you always hear about on the news. Imagine snapping the Wii-mote back and forth to admininster a few lashings across your slave's naughty ass. Picture sliding a razor blade slowly over the lad's skin while the Wii-mote's speaker screams, and the force feedback let's you feel your partner writhing in agony. Best of all, nobody is harmed. The possibilities are endless, with a little imagination.

Now, the Wii-mote's force feedback and built-in speaker will lend themselves well to thousands of applications. You can actually hear the vibrator buzzing, and feel the vibrations against your shaking hand. You ramp up the speed setting, and the vibrations increase in frequency and strength. Your subject is riding waves of orgasms while you're working a number on yourself from the couch.

If the technology is put to good use, millions of porn fiends will buy a Wii for this sole purpose. Why not? Imagine your fantasy coming to life. I've only expressed a few ideas, but in reality, there are unlimited possibilities. Let your mind wander. Write Nintendo and let them know you demand and expect Wii to lead this revolution.

Just make sure you keep everything sanitary. A "lost" Wii-mote might make for an awfully embarassing trip to the emergency room.

Update: People keep reminding me that Nintendo is a family-oriented company, and say that there's no way Nintendo will do something like this.

I think you're all wrong. Satoru Iwata is probably a closet sex fiend, and I'll bet Shigeru Miyamoto is about as horny as they come. It will be the last nail in Sony's coffin, when Nintendo surprises the entire world with pornographic games.

Digg or die!

Monday, May 15, 2006

How to be Popular (With Cool Hair)

Would you like more friends and piles of cash? Great news! All you need is an awesome haircut.

You see, it makes people stop and say, "Hey! What the fuck is up with that guy's hair?... Oh, it's a face. Hahaha! Wow, that's really stupid. I like it."

Then, people will want to ask you about your hair. You see, you no longer have to work at initiating conversations. People will come to you. You make lots of sleazy friends. Yay!

^ The middle-age balding look!

So, are you curious about how to do this yourself? Follow the steps!

Step 1, schematics:

Step 2, shave away:

Step 3, making progress:

Step 4, shave top of head:

Step 5, lather in shaving cream, shave:

Step 6, Epil Stop 'N' Spray:

Step 7, Enjoy!:

There you have it! Now go and join the Army! Oooh!

*All special effects composed in Photoshop. No hair was actually shaved.

Please sir, may I have some more Diggs?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

10 reasons PS3 sucks

Sony's PlayStation 3 sucks donkey dong for 10 reasons:

1. $600 for the only acceptable version.

2. The $500 version sucks ass. It lacks HDMI, Wi-Fi and memory stick slots.

3. Only rich assholes own huge, 1080p, HDMI HDTVs, so PS3 sucks even more if you're broke.

4. Controllers are horrible. They're similar to PSX controllers, meaning they're uncomfortable. Sony stole Nintendo's ideas, and executed them horribly, with new tilt sensing capabilities. Oh yeah, they removed the rumble feature. Enjoy.

5. A team of comatose orangutans designed the case, because not even a drunken retard would copy the George Forman grill.

6. Blu-Ray is worthless unless you're one of those rich assholes. If you need over 18gb (two-sided, double-layer DVD) per game, jump off a cliff. If you own a huge, expensive TV set, congratulations on your shallow obsession with pretty pictures!

7, New games will probably cost $60+, because of skyrocketing development costs. Video games are meant to be fun, not financially crippling. Are slightly nicer graphics worth the price?

8. Sony has failed to offer any compelling reasons why PS3 is better than Xbox 360, especially when you compare the prices of each.

9. PS3 simply can't compete with Wii's exciting new approach. Any monkey could understand why Wii's controller has the potential to improve games of all genre. Especially first person shooters, and that's a biggy.

10. Don't forget, you will be able to buy both an Xbox 360 and Wii for about the same price as PS3. I suppose rich assholes don't care, but Sony doesn't seem to understand that those people are very few in number.

I rest my case, but let me add that I could go on stomping Sony's balls all day. It just doesn't seem necessary.

Hook up a nigg with a Digg?

Update: Wow, on Digg, this article got buried like a cat turd. So, which of you fascists are responsible? I mean, what sort of malevolent, hateful person would do that?