Sunday, June 04, 2006

A Kick-Ass Omelet

I was wandering around the house, nude, at 5 A.M., like I always do. I decided to cook an omelet. It kicked ass. I congratulated myself and killed a hobo to celebrate. So, yeah, here's what was in it:

- 4 eggs, a couple splashes of milk, pepper, and Cajun seasoning (lots)
- 2 strips of fried bacon (not quite crispy)
- A couple handfuls of shredded Mexican cheese (yes, the kind for tacos)
- Maybe around a cup of crumbled Colby Jack cheese
- A few bits of Pepper Jack cheese
- A handful of chopped onions
- A handful of diced tomatoes
- Although I didn't have any around, I wish I had topped it off with some Holandaise Sauce

Then I, you know, cooked it all into an omelet. I ate it, with a hobo for dessert.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Pretty Fooking Spectacular Naming

What's in a name? A lot more than you think, sweet Susy. What would you think of Digg, if it was called Nigg? How about Poop? See, that just doesn't cut it. Of course, there are really bad names, mediocre names, great names, and everything in
between. You're looking for a "pretty fooking spectacular" name for your site.

Oxymorons Rule
If you're looking for an exciting name, try an oxymoron. For example: Studly Hobo, Friendly Rapist, Ballsy Eunuch, Retarded Genius, Fresh Frenchie, Vegan Cannibal, Horny Granny, Straight Fruit, Sexy Janitor, etc. First, you simply choose an interesting noun (rapist, hobo, eunuch, and so forth). Next, you find a contrasting adjective (friendly, studly, ballsy), preferrably something intrinsically funny. Names like these give your image a fresh, spunky appeal, so they're best for those with younger, hipper target audiences. If you're trying to sell granny panties, you may want to go a different route, pervert.

Quit Making Sense
Don't underestimate the power of nonsense words. For example: Skype, Google (based on a real word), Flooty, Shaboing, Fooking, whatever you can come up with that sounds zany. See, they're just so hip and down, and wacky, and all that jazz, that they're memorable. Not to mention, they're easy to remember and simple to type. Web users are lazy. Cater to that, and they'll make you happy.

Be like Dr. Seuss
Rhyming kicks ass. It makes names memorable and interesting. http://rhyme.poetry.com/ offers a powerful tool to find rhymes. For instance, let's she what comes up when I search for "rhino," shall we? One result, being "albino." So, I search to see if albinorhino.com is available. Damn, it isn't! Time to try "chicken." Notice, I'm choosing animals. Everyone loves animals, whether you eat them or not (plus, there's your mascot)! So, one worthwhile rhyme is "stricken." Hmmm... strickenchicken.com! It's available, and it sounds cool, but it might be a tad too long. A near-rhyme for donkey is "swanky." So, swankydonkey.com is a good one. Of course, it doesn't have to be an animal. Any interesting word will do nicely. Experiment.

Get Dirty
Use innuendo for an edgy name. I thought I'd check is morningwood.com is available, and sadly, it isn't. Then I checked, afternoonwood.com, and it's a winner! It's hilarious, because it takes a common bit of innuendo, and mocks it. Every guy can relate, to. Once again, just be careful about who your demographic is. If you're choosing a name for your Christian band, look elsewhere. Now, let's see: greatgilf.com. Think milf, only, "great grandma". I don't know, you can probably think up something naughtier than I can. Go for it.

Steal Ideas
Look at how many rip-offs there are based on del.icio.us! If you see a great idea like this, don't be afraid to capitalize on it. Just make sure you aren't violating any copyrights, or you live in a country where you can't be prosecuted for copyright violation.

Be Clever
I don't personally know much about this, but let's look at thepiratebay.org. It's clever because of it's dual meaning. Plus, Pirates are more awesome than anything.

That's all for now. Get out there and think of some fooking spectacular names. Oh, by the way, if you have any awesome ideas, be sure to share them, so I can steal them.

CSS Wish List

5 ideas to make the world a better place:

1. A property to define custom border images on any element.
2. A property to replace the use of faux columns to achieve columns of uniform length.
3. A property to horizontally center any element in relation to its parent.
4. The allowance of multiple background images on any element.
5. A way to automatically kill Internet Explorer users.

So, let's make this a reality, W3C. Call me.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Eliminate the RIAA!



Spread the word.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Smokey the Bear: Pervert



Why doesn't Smokey wear a shirt and shoes? He certainly isn't welcome in any convenience stores (No Shirt? No Shoes? No Service!). He's a pervert, that's why!

See, he deceives parents by advocating fire safety. Play with matches safely, kids, right? Really, what he thinks is hot, is your child's ass.

Look at the comic cover above... there's a young bear cub (also shirtless) riding on he back of a bucking buffalo. Smokey's eyes are fixated on the cub's ass, and he looks like he's in heaven.

Any idiot can see, Smokey the bear is a child molester. If you see him, kill him. Be careful, he's armed with a shovel.

Free EGM, Computer Gaming World, and OPM, anyone?

If you've got a couple minutes to fill out some forms, you can easily get free subscriptions to Electronic Gaming Monthly, Computer Gaming World, and Official PlayStation Magazine.

Free Electronic Gaming Monthly: http://www.mercurymagazines.com/pr1/101/10111

Free Computer Gaming World: http://www.valuemags.com/freeoffer/cgw.asp

Free Official PlayStation Magazine: http://www.mercurymagazines.com/pr1/101/10147

It may take up to 8 weeks for your first issue to arrive, but that's the norm anyway.

I suggest you quickly sign up for a Yahoo or Hotmail account if you don't already have an extra one, so you can give them that e-mail address, so you don't have to worry about spam. Also, be sure to "accidently" typo on your phone number, unless you like annoying phone calls. Hope you enjoy, and be sure to tell your friends.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Wii Will Revolutionize Adult Entertainment

Editor's note: NSFW. 18+! Under 18? Leave now.

Wii will dominate the pornography industry. Imagine playing out all of your wildest sexual fantasies using the Wii-mote and nunchuck unit. If talented developers can get the recipe right, Wii can anticipate sparking a revolution in adult entertainment.


A sexual revolution?

Imagine the Wii-mote controlling a dildo on-screen. You're frantically pumping your arms, drooling all over, while a digital babe wriggles and moans in heated passion. Boy Scouts are camping in your pants. A free hand might be necessary, but for those looking for an extra twist, the nunchuck could become a clit vibrator, or for the truly adventurous, a butt plug.

Let's say you're one of those perverted S&M freaks you always hear about on the news. Imagine snapping the Wii-mote back and forth to admininster a few lashings across your slave's naughty ass. Picture sliding a razor blade slowly over the lad's skin while the Wii-mote's speaker screams, and the force feedback let's you feel your partner writhing in agony. Best of all, nobody is harmed. The possibilities are endless, with a little imagination.

Now, the Wii-mote's force feedback and built-in speaker will lend themselves well to thousands of applications. You can actually hear the vibrator buzzing, and feel the vibrations against your shaking hand. You ramp up the speed setting, and the vibrations increase in frequency and strength. Your subject is riding waves of orgasms while you're working a number on yourself from the couch.

If the technology is put to good use, millions of porn fiends will buy a Wii for this sole purpose. Why not? Imagine your fantasy coming to life. I've only expressed a few ideas, but in reality, there are unlimited possibilities. Let your mind wander. Write Nintendo and let them know you demand and expect Wii to lead this revolution.

Just make sure you keep everything sanitary. A "lost" Wii-mote might make for an awfully embarassing trip to the emergency room.

Update: People keep reminding me that Nintendo is a family-oriented company, and say that there's no way Nintendo will do something like this.

I think you're all wrong. Satoru Iwata is probably a closet sex fiend, and I'll bet Shigeru Miyamoto is about as horny as they come. It will be the last nail in Sony's coffin, when Nintendo surprises the entire world with pornographic games.

Digg or die!

Monday, May 15, 2006

How to be Popular (With Cool Hair)

Would you like more friends and piles of cash? Great news! All you need is an awesome haircut.



You see, it makes people stop and say, "Hey! What the fuck is up with that guy's hair?... Oh, it's a face. Hahaha! Wow, that's really stupid. I like it."

Then, people will want to ask you about your hair. You see, you no longer have to work at initiating conversations. People will come to you. You make lots of sleazy friends. Yay!



^ The middle-age balding look!

So, are you curious about how to do this yourself? Follow the steps!

Step 1, schematics:


Step 2, shave away:


Step 3, making progress:


Step 4, shave top of head:


Step 5, lather in shaving cream, shave:


Step 6, Epil Stop 'N' Spray:


Step 7, Enjoy!:


There you have it! Now go and join the Army! Oooh!



*All special effects composed in Photoshop. No hair was actually shaved.

Please sir, may I have some more Diggs?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

10 reasons PS3 sucks

Sony's PlayStation 3 sucks donkey dong for 10 reasons:

1. $600 for the only acceptable version.

2. The $500 version sucks ass. It lacks HDMI, Wi-Fi and memory stick slots.

3. Only rich assholes own huge, 1080p, HDMI HDTVs, so PS3 sucks even more if you're broke.

4. Controllers are horrible. They're similar to PSX controllers, meaning they're uncomfortable. Sony stole Nintendo's ideas, and executed them horribly, with new tilt sensing capabilities. Oh yeah, they removed the rumble feature. Enjoy.

5. A team of comatose orangutans designed the case, because not even a drunken retard would copy the George Forman grill.

6. Blu-Ray is worthless unless you're one of those rich assholes. If you need over 18gb (two-sided, double-layer DVD) per game, jump off a cliff. If you own a huge, expensive TV set, congratulations on your shallow obsession with pretty pictures!

7, New games will probably cost $60+, because of skyrocketing development costs. Video games are meant to be fun, not financially crippling. Are slightly nicer graphics worth the price?

8. Sony has failed to offer any compelling reasons why PS3 is better than Xbox 360, especially when you compare the prices of each.

9. PS3 simply can't compete with Wii's exciting new approach. Any monkey could understand why Wii's controller has the potential to improve games of all genre. Especially first person shooters, and that's a biggy.

10. Don't forget, you will be able to buy both an Xbox 360 and Wii for about the same price as PS3. I suppose rich assholes don't care, but Sony doesn't seem to understand that those people are very few in number.

I rest my case, but let me add that I could go on stomping Sony's balls all day. It just doesn't seem necessary.

Hook up a nigg with a Digg?

Update: Wow, on Digg, this article got buried like a cat turd. So, which of you fascists are responsible? I mean, what sort of malevolent, hateful person would do that?

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Jamming to A-Teens "Dancing Queen"

Holy shit! A-Teens "Dancing Queen" kicks ass! You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life! Oooohooohoo, watch that girl!... Young and sweet, only seventeen!... On a side note, I'm tripping balls on some excellent mushrooms. Funkadelic. Woah, shit, that damn ninja is sneaking through my window again! Hold on...

Wow, this is awkward. He's reading over my shoulder. Yeah, I mean you, ninja dude. I think he can't take a hint, still leaning over my shoulder reading. Hey, ninja, quit it you fag! I swear, I'm going to kick your ass! Hey, what are you doing with that swoooooooooooooooooooooooordsld;fkjdsfkl;jdsfjkl;lldsojoidsffbv

Monday, April 10, 2006

Mom's lips swollen up... like, bad


My mom's lips are swollen up really bad because of some sort of allergic reaction. It's happened before, and it just went away overnight. She took a few Benadryl pills, which we had to run to Wal-Mart at midnight for. She considered going to the emergency room, but decided to just tough it out. Those huge lips look even funnier in person. Like a collagen inplant gone horribly wrong.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Boredom Buster: Getting Smashed into by a Dodge Caravan

Update: Steve's aunt and uncle, who own the Caravan, are royally pissed about the damage. Steve's going to have to help pay for the $700 worth of repairs, but everything's fine other than that. I asked him how he told them, to which he replied, "I didn't. My sister did. I was too busy hiding!" Later, his uncle was joking about it, though. As he flipped through a magazine, he asked, "What are you looking at? Van parts?!" Steve is still working on getting me photos of the damage. Keep an eye out.

Brian got smashed by a Dodge Caravan today after school
. He and our pal Duane both were thrown violently into the air, and came crashing down on the van's hood. My brother's body smashed in the windshield on the driver's side, while Duane somehow managed to half-remove the passenger side-view mirror. There was also a minor dent put in the hood.

This was all prearranged with our friend, who we'll just call Steve, driving the minivan.

Right before it happened, I told my friend Nick to "Watch this, because my brother's about to get hit by a car!"

He responded with skepticism, "Nah-ah."

I reassured him that I was not lying, seconds before Steve honked his horn and hit 15 m.p.h. or so before crashing into my little brother and friend, right down the street from the high school.

The usual crowd of "stoners" hanging back witnessed this spectacle in all its glory, as did a 30-something man parked on the corner.

Sadly, I witnessed the event from a bad viewing angle, but I did catch that both Duane and my brother were thrown high into the air, literally heels over head, before landing hard on the hood of the van, and tumbling down on the pavement.

Miraculously, both were unscathed. The same could not be said about poor Steve's van, which he was quick to point out did NOT belong to him. The windshield had been entirely smashed in, tiny shards of glass scattered, and the passenger side view mirror had been snapped half-way off. Plus, the hood was dented in. Ouch!

I'm not sure what his girlfriend, riding in the passenger seat was thinking. Steve managed to keep his cool somewhat. We conversed for a few brief seconds. I made sure he was Ok, and asked what he was going to do. He told me he'd probably be in deep trouble, but would otherwise be Ok.

So, now, there is the little question of getting repairs. Steve is a great guy and did nothing to deserve this. I'm hoping his insurance will cover the damage, otherwise not sure what's going to happen.

I feel especially bad for him, thinking how angry his parents must be. How do you explain that one?

"Uh, dad, sorry, the Caravan windshield was shattered, and the side mirror is broken!"... "Well, how did that happen?!"... "Um, I ran over my friends and they were slammed into the van..."

After the incident, the crowd was in uproar and buzzed about what they had just witnessed, before dispersing shortly after. A 30-something man told us "that was the coolest thing I've ever seen parked at the high school," and thanked us for the entertaining scene, adding, "I'll be looking out for you guys tomorrow after school." He was pretty cool, it was great to have someone appreciating our stupidity.

Brian and Duane have some big balls. Not just anyone volunteers to be slammed by a minivan doing 15 m.p.h. just for the hell of it. I must admit, when I saw their bodies jerked through the air, I was quit worried that they were seriously injured, but they managed to spring right back up.

Steve took off, like I said, and I haven't heard from him since, but I expect I will tomorrow so I can see what happened with his situation.

My brother, a couple friends, and I walked home, enthusiastically discussing what had just happened, and we saw an ambulance rushing down the street seemingly headed for where we had just came from. Of course, it wasn't for them, but it seemed like an intriguing possibility that someone had dialed 911, just at the moment.

We made it home, and somewhat expected to be hearing from the authorities. I cautioned all parties to plead the 5th amendment in the event they were questioned, as I have had bad experiences involving self-criminalization. It's why my brother and I are currently on probation, but that's another story entirely.

By the way, this idea of getting "ran over" started yesterday, when Steve hit Brian a few times, but at much lower speeds. Those times, except for one which did turn out to be more exciting than the others, I was getting the action on film.

Unfortunately, this time, obviously the most ass-kicking of all, I did not have a camera. I am hoping Steve will at least be able to supply me with photos of the damage done to the vehicle. What I did manage to get was photos of the remaining, tiny shards of glass on my brother's hoody, and a scrape on Duane's leg, as well as a minor scrape Brian suffered on his wrist.

The photos with the van (scroll down) in them were captured from videos shot yesterday, so it was not the same event, but it should give you a better idea of what was going on. Once I edit those old videos up a little, I will post them.

This story will be updated as more details come in. I also intend to get some quotes from both Brian and Duane, as well as the friends and others who witnessed this out-of-the-ordinary event.

Thanks for reading, and please come back soon for the rest of the story. And, YES, this is absolutely, 100% true. I know my photographic evidence is weak, but I'm working on getting pictures of the damage and something a little more solid. What can I say? You had to be there to get just how awesome this shit was.

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A little more on yesterday's series of events

Ok, yesterday (Tuesday) after school Brian and I were hanging out with some German dude at a park, on the way home. Out of nowhere, Steve pulls up, as if he were about to hit us. This gives us the great (probably really stupid) idea of Brian actually getting hit. The first time we tried, right in front of our house, it was pretty awesome to watch, with Brian doing some acrobatic shit in mid-air.

We decided to move to a less busy street for a few more attempts. All pictures with the van, like I said, were from Tuesday, not the big, damaging crash on Wednesday, but it's the best I've got. Here's a few shots taken from what I filmed:








Once again, what you see was very MILD compared to what happened Wednesday. That we do not have photos or videos of, I repeat, but we are trying to get shots of the damage, and you already saw the glass shards on the hoody, and Duane's scrape.


The second time was also more spontaneous, because it happened within 10 seconds. The pics you see here, we had been planning how fast and everything Brian would be hit.

Make sure to come back for more. Thanks.

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On promoting my story
I thought the best way to promote my site was to enter a random chat room and post a link, so I did exactly that. Here's a segment of the resulting conversation:

Vorpy "Steve is a great guy and did nothing to deserve this" besides intentionally crashing the car
* Kero_Hazel has quit IRC (Quit: Ubuntu :3)
Pirate> he didn't intentionally damage the car
Pirate> in our prior tests, no damage was done
Pirate> it was a freak accident
Vorpy> yes, a car being damaged after crashing it into people at 15 miles per hour is a freak accident
* Sk8 is listening to [Brother Ali - Shadows On The Sun] - [Blah Blah Blah (Ft. Slug)]
Pirate> do you find it significant that it was people, though?
Pirate> i mean, you usually don't crash into people
Vorpy> I find that to be exceptionally stupid
Vorpy> "If we make front page, I promise you, you'll be seeing and hearing about even crazier shit, soon" <-- yes, I can't wait for the manslaughter story Ruda> Wait, wtf?
Ruda> Do I want to read up?
Ruda> No, I don't/
Ruda> What
Ruda> is the deal, yo?
Sk8> no
Sk8> dont
Vorpy> some random guy wandered in and linked to his blog article about how he watched his friend crash a car into his brother at 15 miles per hour, breaking the windshield
Sk8> vorpy has this handled
Vorpy> entirely intentionally
Vorpy> and he even writes how he advised them to use the 5th amendment to avoid self-incrimination
Vorpy> I'm sure that'll be very useful in case this blog comes up
Sk8> 8)
Ruda> ...
Ruda> K.
Sk8> hi ruda
Ruda> hi
Pirate> this isn't really a criminal case, though
Ruda> stfu

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Digg this story now! If we make front page, I promise you, you'll be seeing and hearing about even crazier shit, soon. I appreciate your support, and please be patient until I can get more details and photos to make this story even better.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sexy Janitor is coming...

We're still working. Keep on wanking, we'll be posting content before you've blown your load. Thanks for your patience.